In my work I sometimes use “scaling”. It’s a helpful way of tracking movement. “On a scale of zero to ten, how calm are are you right now as you read this.” How sad? How happy? How fragile? How unsafe”. How safe? Feelings can have a volume and scaling is a way of seeing that.

It can be very helpful in identifying where problems lie. I was recently talking to someone about a situation where, because the boss didn’t answer their phone call, they quit their job. We looked at the problem (boss not answering the phone) objectively and gave it a one to two out of ten in terms of the severity of the problem and they agreed that their reaction was an eight to nine. So the problem lies in the gap. In this case, that gap was created by an old trauma, so a pattern of “over reacting” was actually a typical trauma reaction to a lose of control.

Scaling can be a particularly helpful way of looking at your parenting. When a child does something “naughty” (and I hope they do otherwise you are raising someone who is totally compliant) and you react, step back and use those scales….on the scale of naughtiness, where ten is deliberately burning down the house, how evil was their act? Drawing on the walls…probably a 2-3 (or zero if they had no idea that that was unacceptable)? Okay…what was your reaction? was it a 2-3 or was it a 6-7? If it was the latter you should probably look at what is going on for yourself…are you experiencing a lot of stress at work, so you are feeling more fragile (put “fragility” on a scale).

It can often be hard to see our reactions to situations as excessive and scaling is a way that makes this easy. Most people respond badly to the comment, “you are over-reacting!”, but can work with the idea of, one a scale of 0-10 how bad was the thing and how big was your reaction? When they can look at it through that lens they can more easily accept that their reaction was disproportionate and can mend the damage an overreaction can create.

You can scale sensations like anxiety, depression, uneasiness, danger, feelings like happiness, sadness, anger, behaviours like aggression, rejection and ideas like worthy/unworthiness, okayness etc.

This is the essence of “self awareness”, which kind of asks the question, “How are you right now?” Are you aware of the feelings, sensations, ideas and behaviours that is going on for you? If you are, you can have a much stronger say in the outcome of a situation. If you can’t see yourself, you are simply reacting.

“The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem”. This is a quote from Michael White, the co-founder of narrative therapy.  It gives us a way of separating the person from the problem so they can take up some resistance to it, rather than succumbing to it.  It is a process that taps into our imagination so can be especially useful when working with children.  It also takes away blame, which can be hard on children and can give them a  feeling of power and control.

This process is called externalising, separating the person from the problem.  Treat the problem as if it was a visitor to your life, one that turns up unbidden and encourages you to do things you regret.

1. If a child has fits of anger, get the child to find a name for it…”rage”?,  or ”the monster”. By the child naming the problem they are taking ownership of the problem and the solution rather than being told.  You could get them to personify the problem, maybe drawing what it looks like to them.  

2. Next thing is to find out how they know it has arrived…”how does it come into your body…quickly or slowly?  Where do you feel it come in?  Then what happens?”  Help the child get a real sense of the somatic experience…the sensations of being in that state.  Get alongside the child to understand what it is like.  ”It must be terrible to feel taken over by a monster, I’m really upset you have to put up with that.”  This takes you away from the role of judge and blamer into supporter and allie. 

3.  Have a discussion about all the damage that “the monster” does when it shows up…who gets hurt?  What happens to the evening when the monster turns up…it goes from calm and fun to angry and unpleasant for everyone.  What are the broader problems?  Does the family not do things because the monster might turn up?  This can be a discussion for the whole family, simply talking about the things they miss out on or endure and what they would be doing if the monster could be kept out.

4.  What calls the monster (triggers).  Is it some way the child is spoken to, or something they see?

5.  Find out the limits of the monster’s power.  Are there places, like school, where the monster can’t go?  How come?  How does the child stop the monster from turning up there.  Admire the child’s skill, tenacity courage or strength to be able to limit the monsters power.  Find out what it feels like to be able to hold the monster back…do they feel it trying to get into those places?  What would happen if the monster got into that place?  Be relieved that the child has the strength to keep it from school…find out what gives them that strength.

6.   See if there are times that the monster tries to turn up but the child has stopped them.  How did they do that?  Be impressed with the child’s ability to stop the monster because clearly the monster is pretty powerful.  Could they do that thing again?

7.  What could be done to stop the monster causing damage when it shows?  Could the child hit a punching bag or scream into a pillow.  Could they tell others that the monster is here and could others help or encourage them to kick the monster out?

8.  What can others do to help? Yo might find out what family members do to make things worse when the monster turns up and what they could do to help get rid of it quickly.

9. Honouring change.  Goals and rewards like a certificate, medal (and ceremony) when the child has defeated the monster every day for a month can be helpful.

Hopefully this makes can de-power a problem and make the solution creative and fun.  It is about seeing the problem in a different way and encouraging the child to become heroic and admired instead of blamed and unloved.

What to do if your partner or child is seeing a counsellor.

It is natural to be curious about what your partner or child discusses with their counsellor.  It can be helpful for the person to share what they are discovering with the person closest to them, BUT (and it is a big “but”) it can completely destroy the counselling if that person probes into what was discussed the moment their partner or child leaves the counsellors room.  Any conversation about the counselling should come from the client, not their partner or parent.  There are two reasons for this.

The first is that counselling is an isolated, confidential relationship.  Because of this, your partner or child should (hopefully) quickly feel safe revealing anything and everything.  If they know that you are going to demand to know what was discussed, they are placed in the position of either not revealing something important or helpful to the counsellor, or lying to you.  Neither of these are good options so while you may want to know what was spoken about, you will be interrupting the work if you ask anything beyond, “Did you have a good session?  Is it helping?”

The second reason is “gestation”.  Gestation is the time it takes for something to develop.  Often in counselling clients arrive at new ideas about something…they may have been carrying a sense of unworthiness and in the space of a session have let that go and become ready to adopt a belief in themself.  But that new idea is fragile and needs time to migrate around the brain, re-author* old memories and settle.  This is one reason why counsellors tend to see clients weekly, not daily.  Time  is needed between sessions for ideas to settle, to be made sense of and believed on a deep level.  Probing can disrupt that process and the client stays stuck in their sense of unworthiness.

*re-authoring is a process of looking at old stories of your life through different lens.  Stories of bullying can be a story of weakness but can equally be a story of resilience and courage.  Stories of “naughtiness” and rejection (eg “teachers belittled me so I used to skip school and I failed my exams”) can equally be a story of justice and defiance (“school couldn’t keep me safe and/or engaged so I carved my own path”).  Through re-authoring clients can see themselves differently and become “heroic” in their life rather than “victims” or “villains”.  Counsellors will often focus on one of hundreds of memories and this triggers a process of bringing up other memories (sometimes unconsciously) which can carry on for days or weeks.  People can often feel tired or unsettled while this is going on.  One client had a mild headache for two weeks after discovering something about himself that meant every memory he had was inaccurate. His brain was using a lot of energy re-authoring his life.

When I work with couples, or individuals who are struggling in a relationship, something that inevitably seems to come up is the question of, “who is being talked about?”

If we are having an argument and I talk about you and all the things you are doing wrong…serious crimes like you always leave the toilet seat up, you squeeze the toothpaste tube the wrong way or, most heinously, you never put the remote back in its place, I shouldn’t be surprised if you attack me with a list of my crimes or reasons why your crimes aren’t crimes at all…I’m just being overly sensitive.

Problems in a relationship are only problems because one of the partners is adversely affected by the behaviour. “All you do is sit around the house! You never want to go out and do anything!” is only a problem because I want to go out and do things. If I wanted to sit around the house too…no problem! However, when I make you the problem by only talking about what you do or don’t do, chances are, we aren’t going to reach a good resolution. If I do get what I want it will be given with resentment and reluctance and the relationship can become “transactional” – I’ll do this for you if you do this for me.

You can change this by talking about yourself, instead of your partner. “When we sit around the house I feel like life is slipping away, and like what I want doesn’t matter.”

It is hard to argue with someones feelings, especially when you aren’t being attacked or put down.

In order to speak about yourself, you firstly need to get a bit reflective and figure out what it is about the behaviour that bothers you. Is it respect (when I see the toilet seat up I feel disrespected)? Is it a sense of your worth (when I see your wet towel on the floor I feel like a slave)? Is it your values (I hate waste, so when I see day old bread being thrown out…)? Is it fear (I used to get hit by my father for squeezing the toothpaste tube like that so when I see it I get scared)?

When you talk in this way you take blame out of the conversation because you are telling the person that they aren’t the problem….if anyone squeezed the toothpaste tube that way I’d get upset.

For most of us, this is a new way of sorting out problems. It can be scary because we are revealing vulnerabilities but it is worth trying. When our only tool in an argument is to attack the other we are simply building up resentment and creating minefields in our relationship…areas we can’t talk about because we always come out of those discussions angry and hurt.

While it is great if both parties in the argument can take this approach, one might not get it or slip into the habit of blame and attack. If the other person can hold onto who is being talked about, rather than getting into a crimefest they can diffuse things by using questions, rather than justifications or alternative accusations?…”What is it about the toothpaste tube that upsets you?” “How long has this been bothering you?” “How important is this to you (maybe on a scale of 0-10)?” “How upsetting is it (on a scale of 0-10)?” “I wonder why it is a 2/10 in importance but upsets you a 7/10?” By exploring a bit deeper into what makes things a problem several things might happen. You might change your behaviour and start squeezing the toothpaste tube differently, they might stop caring because they feel that their concerns have been heard and thus they have been seen by you (perhaps the reason the toothpaste tube upset them is they are feeling neglected because the household has become busy), or together you may com up with a simple, creative solution…two toothpaste tubes!

Ka kite anō

Steve

In New Zealand we are fortunate in that Christmas marks the beginning of our summer break. I say we are fortunate because, as a counsellor, I see many people for whom Christmas is not a happy occasion for various reasons, but summer for most of us is a time to take a break, get out, get in the water and have a bit of fun.

Once again it is going to be a different time, as we face various changes in the way we holiday and celebrate due to covid. We might use this time to reflect on what was important but can’t be at the moment (being with family) and develop new ways, new traditions. An example might be playing an online game together, doing quizzes or something of that nature to share an experience when you are miles apart.

However you decide you are going to “do” summer this year, I hope it is a good one and refreshes you for the challenges and opportunities ahead

Ngā mihi

Steve

Mr. Grumpledump’s Song
Shel Silverstein, 1930 – 1999

Everything’s wrong,
Days are too long,
Sunshine’s too hot,
Wind is too strong.
Clouds are too fluffy,
Grass is too green,
Ground is too dusty,
Sheets are too clean.
Stars are too twinkly,
Moon is too high,
Water’s too drippy,
Sand is too dry.
Rocks are too heavy,
Feathers too light,
Kids are too noisy,
Shoes are too tight.
Folks are too happy,
Singin’ their songs.
Why can’t they see it?
Everything’s wrong!

Lockdown 2.0, eh? Here’s some bits of absolutely unproven advice to help you through lockdown

DON’T BINGE! if you can restrict yourself to one episode of something you want to watch every day, then every day you have something to look forward to tomorrow. Seems very simple but it gives you one little bit of meaning to your day.

Dont binge news. Check in once a day at most.

Laugh. Sadly, Sean Locke, a wonderful english comedian passed away the other day and I’ve been enjoying a few of his moments on Youtube (eg. “carrot in a box”). Laughing lifts your mood, so it really doesn’t matter what tickles your fancy, as long as you tickle it.

Try to do something productive. Again, the internet is a great resource for learning a new skill, no matter how small. It maybe something you can’t apply until after lockdown (like a new ski technique) but learning and practicing it now will slow lethergy setting in.

I get massage fairly regularly.  I had an interesting conversation recently with my masseuse about “hard massage”.  She told me that men often come along wanting a hard massage.  When she asks them about their history of massage she learns they have never had one or had one some years before.  She told me you cannot leap straight into a hard massage.  Your body is unfamiliar with that touch and experiencing that pain and your body will fight it.  You will tense up, resist the pressure and instead of getting massaged you will just get bruised.  It takes time and practice for your body to trust and relax and accept the pressure (and pain) so that the massage can actually release the tension, rather than exacerbate it.

Tough conversations can be exactly the same.  I work with those who have been traumatised through sexual abuse. Some come along to the first session having mentally steeled themselves to reveal their horrific past.  We don’t do that.  We dial it back and start softly.  If we leap into the trauma all that happens is we re-traumatise the person and they don’t come back, and feel that they are unfixable.

We start slowly, working in the clients current life to see how the trauma from years before “plays out” in their life at the moment. We look at meanings about themselves came from the trauma, and how those meanings (such as “I’m powerless”, “I’m disgusting” “I’m unsafe”) affect how they react to things in their life. We look at how various relationships are impacted by the trauma. For many living with the trauma of an assault, their “normal” is anything but. It might take a year or more before we can begin to go towards addressing the traumatic memory.

By taking things real slow, we can work our way towards undoing the damage of a traumatic experience and those people can begin to accept and love themselves, feel safer and enjoy better relationships.