When I do Te where tapa wha with clients I encourage them to get quite speculative when we operate in the space of hinengaro, the mind.
While people are drawn to the big diagnostic labels, like “anxious”, “depressed”, I believe there is a lot of value in digging deeper for subtle words that describe both your current and persistent experience of life.
Scaling can be helpful, because we often feel degrees of something, rather than all or nothing. “On a scale of 0-10, how “safe” do you feel, whatever “safe”, might mean?”. “In general, a scale…how calm do you feel?” “If 0 is total failure and 10 is total success what number would you give yourself?”, is a really helpful question. A lot of us journey through life with, what Michael White called, a “failure story”, which we don’t acknowledge, even to ourselves. It sits there as a vague sense, lurking in the shadows of our lives. Often, I see a huge sense of relief for people to acknowledge that they feel like a failure. Dragging these ideas about ourself our of the shadows can give us the opportunity to attend to them. When we leave them in the shadows they undermine our lives.
When I asked one recent client if the words, “lonely”, or “alone” might fit him, he told me that he felt alone, but not lonely. This is great learning! It is in these subtleties that we truly understand ourselves at a useful level.
It’s easy to sail through life without taking the time to reflect on this question of “who am I at the moment..?” But there is a lot of value in this reflection. These “ways of being” play out in our lives, especially when we don’t acknowledge them. When we can be overt about their presence and understand why they are part of our life we can avoid being drawn into reacting from them…loneliness, failure, disappointment, fear, uncertainty or something else
Recently I had a small (and totally undeserved) explosion at my partner. When I calmed down and reflected on what let that explosion happened it was some innocuous words she said (she told me she was going into town to do some printing) that triggered a sense of failure connected with something that happened the previous week at work. If I had appreciated that I was sensitive to it, I hopefully would have reacted differently.
While this is something that anyone can do by themselves, it’s far better to do it in conversation with someone, so it can be done with genuine curiosity. It’s not about fixing anything…it’s just about having a clearer picture of who it is that walks through the spaces and interactions of your life.
Ka kite ano