In my work I sometimes use “scaling”. It’s a helpful way of tracking movement. “On a scale of zero to ten, how calm are are you right now as you read this.” How sad? How happy? How fragile? How unsafe”. How safe? Feelings can have a volume and scaling is a way of seeing that.
It can be very helpful in identifying where problems lie. I was recently talking to someone about a situation where, because the boss didn’t answer their phone call, they quit their job. We looked at the problem (boss not answering the phone) objectively and gave it a one to two out of ten in terms of the severity of the problem and they agreed that their reaction was an eight to nine. So the problem lies in the gap. In this case, that gap was created by an old trauma, so a pattern of “over reacting” was actually a typical trauma reaction to a lose of control.
Scaling can be a particularly helpful way of looking at your parenting. When a child does something “naughty” (and I hope they do otherwise you are raising someone who is totally compliant) and you react, step back and use those scales….on the scale of naughtiness, where ten is deliberately burning down the house, how evil was their act? Drawing on the walls…probably a 2-3 (or zero if they had no idea that that was unacceptable)? Okay…what was your reaction? was it a 2-3 or was it a 6-7? If it was the latter you should probably look at what is going on for yourself…are you experiencing a lot of stress at work, so you are feeling more fragile (put “fragility” on a scale).
It can often be hard to see our reactions to situations as excessive and scaling is a way that makes this easy. Most people respond badly to the comment, “you are over-reacting!”, but can work with the idea of, one a scale of 0-10 how bad was the thing and how big was your reaction? When they can look at it through that lens they can more easily accept that their reaction was disproportionate and can mend the damage an overreaction can create.
You can scale sensations like anxiety, depression, uneasiness, danger, feelings like happiness, sadness, anger, behaviours like aggression, rejection and ideas like worthy/unworthiness, okayness etc.
This is the essence of “self awareness”, which kind of asks the question, “How are you right now?” Are you aware of the feelings, sensations, ideas and behaviours that is going on for you? If you are, you can have a much stronger say in the outcome of a situation. If you can’t see yourself, you are simply reacting.
Steve Gore Counselling 