“The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem”. This is a quote from Michael White, the co-founder of narrative therapy. It gives us a way of separating the person from the problem so they can take up some resistance to it, rather than succumbing to it. It is a process that taps into our imagination so can be especially useful when working with children. It also takes away blame, which can be hard on children and can give them a feeling of power and control.
This process is called externalising, separating the person from the problem. Treat the problem as if it was a visitor to your life, one that turns up unbidden and encourages you to do things you regret.
1. If a child has fits of anger, get the child to find a name for it…”rage”?, or ”the monster”. By the child naming the problem they are taking ownership of the problem and the solution rather than being told. You could get them to personify the problem, maybe drawing what it looks like to them.
2. Next thing is to find out how they know it has arrived…”how does it come into your body…quickly or slowly? Where do you feel it come in? Then what happens?” Help the child get a real sense of the somatic experience…the sensations of being in that state. Get alongside the child to understand what it is like. ”It must be terrible to feel taken over by a monster, I’m really upset you have to put up with that.” This takes you away from the role of judge and blamer into supporter and allie.
3. Have a discussion about all the damage that “the monster” does when it shows up…who gets hurt? What happens to the evening when the monster turns up…it goes from calm and fun to angry and unpleasant for everyone. What are the broader problems? Does the family not do things because the monster might turn up? This can be a discussion for the whole family, simply talking about the things they miss out on or endure and what they would be doing if the monster could be kept out.
4. What calls the monster (triggers). Is it some way the child is spoken to, or something they see?
5. Find out the limits of the monster’s power. Are there places, like school, where the monster can’t go? How come? How does the child stop the monster from turning up there. Admire the child’s skill, tenacity courage or strength to be able to limit the monsters power. Find out what it feels like to be able to hold the monster back…do they feel it trying to get into those places? What would happen if the monster got into that place? Be relieved that the child has the strength to keep it from school…find out what gives them that strength.
6. See if there are times that the monster tries to turn up but the child has stopped them. How did they do that? Be impressed with the child’s ability to stop the monster because clearly the monster is pretty powerful. Could they do that thing again?
7. What could be done to stop the monster causing damage when it shows? Could the child hit a punching bag or scream into a pillow. Could they tell others that the monster is here and could others help or encourage them to kick the monster out?
8. What can others do to help? Yo might find out what family members do to make things worse when the monster turns up and what they could do to help get rid of it quickly.
9. Honouring change. Goals and rewards like a certificate, medal (and ceremony) when the child has defeated the monster every day for a month can be helpful.
Hopefully this makes can de-power a problem and make the solution creative and fun. It is about seeing the problem in a different way and encouraging the child to become heroic and admired instead of blamed and unloved.
Steve Gore Counselling 